


Raphael? Are you scared?!

by HolyMad



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Raphael is ooooollldddddddd, Simon trying to make up, Teen And Up for the failing anxiety. raph is still ace af., and a nerd, failure at depicting an attack i guess, he already lives in the hotel tho, i might rewrite that part again, it was late ok, more than simon, only hiding behind this appearance of a greaser, post!Camille, some other unimportant as always vampires, twilight helps! :D, uber nerd, vampires are invisible to mundanes.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 12:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11013726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolyMad/pseuds/HolyMad
Summary: Raphael is being dragged to the movies. But late at night there aren't many movies to choose from. Especially not on a rainy day. While a festival is in town.





	1. Fluff and Banter

**Author's Note:**

> For and beta'd by: saphaelbanewood and books-are-evil on tumblr.
> 
> Basically for everyone who is mad at the show this week. 22-28/5/17 The death of pan!Simon Lewis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just the pre-story. A bit of background. I want you to know about my two boys and how I see them.

Simon was _very_ proud of himself. He had endured all Twilight movies and read all books. Even the one about fledglings. It did help. Simon had to admit -to himself- that Bella Swan, the numb queen, was his role model in running away from mundanes. He would never tell anyone he'd read Twilight. And totally didn't have a little crush on Jasper. Nuh-uh!

 

So he felt confident to finally go out into the mundane world. But how to bribe Raphael? Did he need bribing? We'll see.

 

Simon knocks on Raphael's door. It's 9 pm. He should be awake long enough to not be groggy. Raphael was definitely not an evening person. But, still, Simon had to be precise. _No rambling until it's set. This is important!_

"Come in, Simon."

He carefully opens the door and steps inside. "How did you know?"

"Nobody waits at the door for 10 minutes, knocks and still stays outside."

 _Ouch. **Busted**._ "So I'm allowed to knock-and-enter?"

"No." Raphael sighs. _He **can't** see my doodles._ "What do you want from me."

"I want to go outside and-."

"You're a baby."

"Yeaah."

"You can't go outside and feed. Simon. That kills people."

"You remember the cute llamas! Can we make a deal?" _I'll make him watch more videos._

"Don't make me regret watching that video. - A what?"

"Like, uhm I drink on my own for a month. And improve my speed. And uhm help you being the advisor that I am?"

"How could **you** help me."

"You forget that I studied Accounting."

"For how long?" You could hear the taunt outside the sound prove hotel.

"I was about to write my thesis."

 _That's almost as bad as being turned the day before holy orders._ **Dios**. "Sure then. This place is a mess. Camille didn't care about anything. Come here and read. I'll add one thing. Pine me to the floor for 5 seconds." _Did I really say this??_ Simon sits down and Raphael grabs an empty sheet to write down their little contract. _Don't shake your hands. Don't shake._

"Can we shorten the time if I go to the movies? It's dark and nobody will see me."

"First, you're definitely not going alone. Second, the fact that you forgot that it'll be you and dozens or hundreds of other people for two hours in a small room just raised it to 10." _Oh. Please don't agree. Why is this happening everytime he's near? I won't survive this._

_Ten seconds. I can do it. I'll just count out loud. That'll keep me busy. But I'll be watching a movie! That should distract me, shouldn't it?_

_What is he waiting for?? Dios mio, ayúdarme. Just disagree and think about something different._

"Oh. I thought the movie would distract me enough."

 _He's still not adressing us laying on top of each other. On purpose. For ten seconds._ "Fif-"

"OKAY. That would take like forever? Not that I don't have forever but I wanna see people. And car lights. And bridges at night. And office buildings being lit up. And billboards. A-"

 _Oh cute, he still thinks the night is pretty. NO, he's not cute. I need to stop this._ "One more word and we'll just agree on you saving me a million dollar per year."

"Woah! How much money do you spend here??"

"A million."

"So how shall I save you spending money at all?"

"Think about it."

"You said that to stop me from rambling."

"You are smarter than I expected. There will be at least a dozen of other people. A dozen heart beats. Captured. With you. A fledgling. You're not going alone."

"Okay... Now hand me some papers. I wanna see what that ancient thing did to us." _Us as in the clan, right? Right??_

"I think she's older than Magnus so yeah. Uhm, read through this." He shuffles through his stacks and hands Simon a thin folder. _Something not too shocking for the ex-student who actually just comes from college and technically didn't even finish._

They sit there in silence for a couple minutes. As long as you can call it silence when Simon is in the room. He doesn't speak but occasionally makes exasperated and outrages sounds but tries to keep them low. Raphael appreciates it a lot.

"Raphael? I-I think you can just cut this. If this keeps going I am about to save you the million."

"You- what??"

"This is just Camille nonsense. Magazines about fashion that nobody here wears and ... other magazines that disturbed me _a lot_. I'm not shaming anyone but I think this is just $ 1000 per month of magazines that Camille ordered. 1.2% of a million. It's a start."

"Camille spent $ 1000 per month on clothing newspapers?"

"You could say that."

"I'll cancel them. Right now." He grabs for the phone but Simon chuckles.

"Can I do it?"

"Encouraged, huh?"

"Yes, and most contracts need letters. Or email. "

"Oh."

Simon makes a list of those that you can cancel via phone call. "You'll call, I'll type the emails and you crosscheck them. Okay?"

"Yeah."

 

* * *

 

Simon sets up ~~feeding~~ drinking alarms in his phone and really manages to never skip. In the following two weeks he saves $ 170k. The running is still a problem. How should he practise inside the hotel?

"Hey, Lily!"

"Hi Simon. What's up, Tiny?"

"I'm not small! Could help me practise?"

Lily giggles. Simon is not exactly tall but definitely not short. She just likes to make the probie mad. Still, she is surprised. "You're shorter than I so yes. Who is your trainer? Why do you need me?"

"Raphael told me when I can speed I can go to the movies. But I don't know where to practise. And I mostly practise fighting not running away. Stan has a point there, I think."

"But you're not going alone are you? You're still a shorty. Don't you train in the basement? There's been enough space for every speed training so far."

"The basement? I've always trained on the third floor. Uhm, yeah, he said so. But first I have to learn how to run."

"Ugh, Stan. Yeah the basement is just one big room. You run in circles but it's half a mile per circle. Run barefoot, though. Don't destroy your shoes."

"Yeah, I've already cut down on shoes. You should talk to Raphael. There's been some changes. See you!" And he runs to the basement. Human speed but still.

_Changes? Raphael's got a **big** crush on this boy. He's been here for like three months and already cuts down on shoes? What??_

 

* * *

 

 

Two weeks later a door is pushed open.

"Raphael!!"

 _¡Gracias a dios! My reflexes are still intact even if my hearing is apparently gone. Maldita sea._ "Simon. I didn't tell you to not knock-and-enter to not knock at all."

"Oh, yeah- But I did it!!" _Why is the desk shaking?_

"What have you done this time?" _He can't have done something bad. He sounds happy. But this is Simon. He is happy about **everything**._

"I can speeeeeeed!!!"

 _Aand he's jumping._ "Simon please don't jump on an office level. How fast did you speed?"

"Let me show you! I want to run for hours but my feet hurt a bit already."

"I'm on this thing right here. Can you- no, you can't." _ **Idiota**. What would you have shown him? You were drawing comics._

 

They walk down to the basement. Raphael stands in the middle of the room and has a stopwatch in his hand. Simon waits at a wall.

"Speed 10 rounds. Stay under 20 seconds. Go."

Simon speeds in 17 seconds and stops in front of Raphael beaming.

"17. You won." _Stop smiling with this pretty face. You're staking me._

"Wow this was close! Thank the Big Guy I don't have to breathe. I would be panting now" Simon can't stop laughing.

 _Great. First beaming and now he laughs. Can I re-die already?_ "The Big Guy? Really?"

"Yeah. It works. No burning, no coughing." With that he jumps on Raphael in an attempt to hug him but they fall down. " _That's_ convenient! TEN, NINE, EIGHT-"

"Let me go!!" Raphael tries to wriggle himself out of this enthusiastic mess of a fledgling.

"NO!" Simon frees his arms and just dumps down flat on his  ~~overly adorable~~ boss.

"Are you serious?"

"What? It's not like you need to breathe." _I **need** to go outside. I already have four seconds!_ "FIVE, FOUR, **HOLD STILL** , TWO, ONE, I'M DONEE" He jumps up and holds his hand to Raphael, smirking.

"This doesn't count. Surprise attack." Raphael swooshes up on his own.

"Demons don't warn you before they attack either." _Well, that's one step I need to learn, too._

"Don't fight me with my own words. That's not fair."

"Demon fighting is not fair. So. I've helped you leading, reduced administraction costs by 1/3, drank all on my own and pinned you to the floor. I'll be asking the others for movie night. Later!"

"This little tarado. I'm an **authority**!" He takes off his jacket and looks for scratches. _If he didn't destroy my clothing all the time we'd save much more money._

 

* * *

 

Upstairs. Simon tries to find a companion.

"Oh, come on! Where is everybody??" Simon has been searching for anybody to celebrate his victory for 3 minutes - speeding. They. Are. All. Gone! "I wanna go to the movies!!"

Raphael goes to his office and finds it packed with vampires. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Simon..." "Movies..." "He'll talk so much!" "No good movies today." "It'll be packed." "You know I don't like mundanes."

"Pendejos! Fine, I'll go. You'll all stay home tomorrow. I can't believe I have to give detention to my entire clan. Stay here until we're gone." Raphael leaves _his own_ _office_ and calls for Simon. He's not going to tell him what just happened and just pray they weren't right.

"H-hi Raphael. I can't fi-find anyone."

 _Is he about to cry?_ "Simon. It's okay. I'll go with you." _Oh no. Crying puppy eyes. I'm dead. More dead than before._

"Yeah? Really? Are you sure?"

"Just don't cry. Don't wanna waste money on staining a shirt and having to drink more, right?"

"Very funny, Raph. I do have to drink before we go."

"Me, too. Let's go to the kitchen."

_He didn't comment on 'Raph'. I'll keep using it._

 

* * *

 

They took a drink and headed towards the nearest theater. It rains but they each took an umbrella with them.

"This invisible thing is so cool! I can stumble into mundanes and they can't blame me!"

"Simon!" Raphael actually hisses this time. "You're gonna make people break out in a fight!"

"Oh. No!"

"Yeah, oh." Such a Hufflepuff.

"So what? You're a Slytherin." _He's read Harry Potter. Can this night become any better?_

 _Did I say that out loud? Whatever._ "Slytherin pride!!"

"Hogwarts pride?"

"That's SUCH a Hufflepuff thing of you to say. Okay."

Simon gallops to the entry. "So we don't have to pay, do we?"

"No. We just need two empty spaces. - Wow. Why is this so packed?"

"Uh, haven't you seen those posters? There's an open air festival."

"So what? This is not open air. They should go outside. Be in nature."

"It's raining, Raph."

"They paid for open air so they should be in open air." He crosses his arms in front of his chest.

 _Don't stare at his arms, don't stare, don't stare._ "If you're so okay with rain why did you take an umbrella?"

"I did not pay for that festival thing so I do not have to fake interest in acid rain pouring on my jacket."

"Fair. I hope there's still a space for us somewhere."

"Yeah. It's wet. I don't wanna go home and be more wet without a point."

"You are such a vampire cat. Can we transform into bats or cats? I think there was a spelling mistake once and we're actually cats."

"We can't transform, Simon. At all."

"Are you sure? Maybe you just don't know."

"I'm 79 years old. Have you seen my library? I've read every single book at least twice."

"I've seen Camille's libraries. In two residences. I bet she knows more..."

"First, Camille doesn't read. Those books are for show. Second, Rule #1: Don't ever mention her name ever again. Remember?"

"Yeah, sorry. Fine. Magnus is old, too. I'll ask him after this."

"He'll be asleep. It's night."

"We're talking about Magnus though."

"How about you send him a text before you go to bed."

"Okay."

"You're not talking while the movie's running, are you? We're invisible but not muted. Mundanes will hear you."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

"I'll be silent the moment we sit down."

"Then let's find a room."

They look for half an hour. They can't just open the door without anyone being visible. They have to wait until someone opens for them. Simon feels like a vampire in those stories when they need to be invited. It's exciting! They don't have much luck. Either the movie has already started or there is not a single seat.

"Simon, this is the last room. If there is no space left we'll go again tomorrow, okay? Don't cry." He could see the tears building up again.

"Yeah. I won't. I'm a big boy."

"A big baby."

"I'm taller than you."

"I'm four times your age."

"Fair." Simon opens the door. There is exactly one seat left. In the last row. _No. That's. No._ "Up there are... two seats."

"Alright. Wait. What's wrong?"

"There isn't an arm rest."

"It's not like you need a place for your blood. You don't have a drink with you, do you?" _Millenials._

"Uhm, no?"

"Then let's go."

_It's a love seat. Why do I get to sit with Raphael in a love seat. For two hours. I'm gonna die. For real this time. No resurrection. Just Simon Lewis dead. Forever._

"What is this film about?"

"I thought no talking, Mr Santiago?"

Chuckling. This tarado is chuckling. **_Authorit_ _y_!!!**

"I didn't check. I was just happy there is space for us." _Us two. This time it's 'us two'. Just me and Raph. No denial._

"Oh well. Now we're stuck. And we'll watch this. In silence, _Lewis_."

_He said it, too. **We**. This is good, isn't it? He doesn't hate me as much?_


	2. Much angst, such no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tiny raphael has a history with rifles. Guess the topic of the movie.

They carefully sit down not touching each other.

The ads start and Simon notices Raphael flinching everytime there's a rifle shot. Specifically rifles. _I guess this is what happens when you go to the theaters late at night. Bad ads. Ugh._

_This is bad. What is this. Calm down, these are just the ads. The movie will start soon._

It's a zombie movie. Simon **loves** it. The main character's favourite weapon is a rifle. After some minutes Raphael hugs his legs and rests his chin on his knees. Who's going to punish him? No mundane can see them.

"Raph? Are you good?"

"I-it's a great movie."

"Right?" Simon beams but he doesn't really believe Raphael. He only notices half of the movie because he repeatedly watches the person in his loveseat. Something is wrong. "Talk to me."

 

> Some more gunshots.

Simon lays a hand just below Raphael's shoulder. "Hey. Do you want to leave?" Big eyes look at him. _Just admit you're scared and we're gone._

"No. You've waited so long." _Authority? I can't do this to him!_

"I don't really care about this movie. You're scared."

"I'm not scared. I'm a leader. A vampire clan leader is not scared."

"Everytime there is just a rifle on screen your eyes get big. And everytime they shoot you flinch. The clan leader Mr Santiago is not scared but Raphael is."

"It's fine."

"It's not."

"Can we just finish this movie?"

"It's just been 15 minutes. The movie still runs for almost two hours."

 

> You're so dead right now. Creatures like you don't deserve to exist. You don't deserve to pollute my air. Bwahahaha
> 
> *shooting from several rifles*

"Nooo." Raphael hides his face between his knees.

"Come here." Simon sighs and pulls Raphael in his lap. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"No."

 

> Again shooting.

"I thought you think it's a waste of blood when we cry?" Simon gets up and pulls Raphael in a reverse piggyback. Piggyfront. Raphael clutches to him like a lifeline.

"Y-y-y-"

"Shh, you don't have to talk. We'll go outside and talk a bit, alright?" Nodding against his chest and hair that tickles his neck. He opens the door without caring whether someone looks and a couple dozen feet farther sits them down on the floor. He pulls Raphael's leg back to the side leaning the small shoulder against his chest. He's caring but defintely not sitting like **this**. First they'll go on a real date. Wihout crying. _If only_. He lays his head on the other's and waits until his ~~crush~~ leader/boss calms down.

"Thanks."

"Thanks for trying."

"Your shirt is stained." _So I wasted blood and a shirt. How ironic._

"That happens."

"It's your favourite."

 _Is it?_ He looks down. _That's a good splatter flick right here._ "Almost. Wrong band, though."

"Still."

"Your stuff is stained, too."

"I've got enough **stuff**."

"Yeah. I've seen the math. You definitely have enough stuff for the next decades. You're only buying one new item per category per month now."

"What category?"

"One shirt, one vest, one jacket, one pair of trousers. One piece of jewelry for your birthday and two holidays."

"Do I get extra this month because this set is dirty?" _Am I discussing my shopping choices with a fledgling?_

"No."

"But-"

"You just said you've got enough stuff. Wash or wait."

"I'm not arguing with you about my clothing."

"I'm your advisor and tell you to cut down on those expenses."

"I'm still your boss and I need to look fine."

"You always do. Stop. Buying. Unnecessary. Stuff." _What did I just say? Oh n-_ "Are you hiding in my shirt?"

 _Oh right, I can't blush. Why is he so nice?_ "Why would I do that."

"You're lucky I have vampire hearing because else I wouldn't've understood you."

 _Excuse, excuse, excuse._ "You smell nice. Why do you smell different than the others?" _Great, idiota. Now he thinks you're a freak sniffing on other vampires._

"Uhm, I don't know. I still use my old soap, I guess."

"Why do you use soap?"

"In the shower?"

"You shower?"

"You're gross."

"Simon. We're vampires. The only reason you'd need to shower is after a fight."

"But I need to wash myself! EW!"

"We don't sweat. And our scalp doesn't extract sebum. Just wash your hands occasionally and it's fine."

"You don't smell."

"Well, thanks for that."

"We really don't need to shower?"

"Simon."

"Raphael."

"No."

"Still gross."

"Simon."

"Okay. ... So. Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Noo."

"You should."

"No."

"I won't tell anyone."

"No."

"There's still an hour left. We can't go home after one hour. No movie is that short."

"Can we just sit like this?" _You're like a cushion. At least what I remember about cushions. I sleep in a casket. Like a cadáver._

"Sure." Simon strokes Raphael's upper back with his hand and he stiffens again.

"Don't pet."

"Okay."

"I'm not a dog."

"Nope. A cat." Simon grips tighter.

"Still don't pet."

"I don't."

"Good."

They sit like this for 20 minutes. After a while Raphael nuzzles back into Simon's shirt. It's already stained. So what.

"She was my aunt."

 _He's talking._ He grips even tighter and might almost break his arms.

"And that verga said the exact words to her before they shot her."

"How old were you?"

"Four."

"You still remember after all this time?"

"You. Ugh. Yes, always. Satisfied?"

"No, I'm sad."

"It's been 78 years."

"You're still scared."

"No."

"Raphael. We talked about that."

"Yeah."

"It's okay. Why were you even there??"

"I was on a vacation. My aunt never married and my mum just sent us there some weekends to have some peace."

"That was not a peaceful weekend."

"Not at all."

"So she was like a second mom?"

"More like a sister. She was only 21."

"Younger than I am."

"Yeah."

"Damn."

"Exactly."

"I'm not good at this."

"You are."

"You think so?" He kisses soft curls.

"I'm not crying anymore."

"Hm."

"I made you speechless."

"But you can't tell anyone."

"Watch me."

"I already am."

"Hm."

 _Get it together, Lewis._ "Raph?"

"Still here, Simon."

"I like you"

"Don't kiss up to your boss."

"I'd have to kiss down, though."

"You'd go up on the career ladder." _What was that pun, Lewis. I already died today. Again. Don't do this to me._

"That's not what I meant." _How can you be so oblivious?_

"What then?" _Don't. Just. Don't. **Please**._

"Like this." He kisses Raphael's temple.

"You d-don't."

"I'm pretty sure I do."

"You don't know me."

"No don't cry again! Please! Rapha!"

"You-" He tries to unwind from Simon's grip but Stan did some good work. Simon is stronger and he has cried too much to struggle.

"No, please! Tell me!" _What is with this poor old person. Now I'm crying, too._

"Please, just let me go, por favor."

"I can't. First tell me."

"Simon. No."

"Raphael, yes." He pulls him back into the piggyfront to look into these dark eyes. "Talk to me. You just told me something very important. You know you can trust me. What is it?"

"I don't want the things you do in a relationship."

"Like what? We just did if you didn't notice."

"Some time into the relationship."

"Raphael, please, just tell me. I really don't like riddles."

"I don't want sex, okay."

"Okay. So what's the thing? Stop avoiding the topic."

"That was the topic."

"That? That's not a negative thing, Raph."

"You don't want someone like me."

"Raph. We just sat here for an hour. Tangled into each other. If it stays like this forever I can live with it."

"Simon."

"Raphael."

"No."

"Raphael Santiago, can I choose on my own who I want to be with?"

"No. I, your boss, prohibit you to cut down your life."

"I, your advisor, tell you to stop that nonsense. I just cut down a third of our expenses. The half of it when you stop buying so many clothes. You should trust me when I say things."

"My suits don't cost a sixth of all clan money. Stop that."

"So you allow me to date you?"

"I'm not sure."

"How can I ensure you"

"I have no idea."

"I could grab the soul sword."

"You could die, Simon."

"I'm dead."

"Dead-er."

"I thought I was gonna die today anyway."

"What? Why??"

"When you said we should sit in the loveseat."

"That's why you were so extra weird."

"Yeah. Two hours next two you without a single barrier."

"And now we're entangled." Raphael chuckles.

Simon presses another kiss to his temple. "I can't die from the sword when I tell the truth."

"What is the truth?"

"I love you."

"Thanks."

"You."

Raphael giggles. "Te amo. N-no! Don't crush me again!"

"Oh, sorry." Simon loosens a bit, just enough to kiss his cheek. "Is this okay?"

"Not really."

"Okay. I won't do it again, sorry."

"I-" Raphael looks up into these eyes that capture him every time. _There is so much love. This has to be true._ He kisses Simon on the lips. Just barely touching. "This is better."

"I agree. Care to do it again?"

 _This beautiful smile. A beautiful death. Eternity sounds nice._ He kisses him again. Firmer. "Mh." _  
_

"I have to revoke my earlier statement."

_What. No. I'm not th-_

"This is better than just hugging."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very different than ch1. But this is the actual story. You'll probably won't like it. ^^  
> Some strange headcanons about vampires because every source I've ever read disagrees on the next. And then there's Twilight. Simon's second favourite book series after Harry Potter.


End file.
